The Christmas Star
Last night I saw the “Christmas Star”.
And I cried.
The desire to go seeking it had been in my brain for a few days.
The novelty of it. A planetary conjunction. When Jupiter would pass in front of Saturn and you would be able to see both planets with your own eyes. No equipment necessary.
The history of it. The last time this happened was almost 400 years ago but even then it was visible to only a portion of the population. The last time this was visible to the entire planetary population was in 1226. I thought it wouldn’t happen again while my children were alive, and I told them as much.
Turns out I was wrong. It will happen again in 60 years but after that? It’ll be over another 300 years before it happens again.
The historical significance of that? Of being a part of the world right now that gets to share something that was last seen in the Middle Ages? Incredible.
And the faith aspect of it.
We don’t know if this is what the Wise Men from the East followed while searching for a special child. We don’t know if this is what shone over the stable as shepherds came running up to it. We don’t know if this is what was lighting the way as Joseph packed up and fled with his new little family to Egypt.
But still I want to call it the Christmas Star. I need to.
I’ve been handling 2020 pretty well. (Dare I say very well even?) I’ve gotten sad and cried and struggled and even been sick. Like most of the world. My family pulled together and we bonded and we fought and we sacrificed like most of the world. And like you.
I’ve lamented. I’ve laughed. I’ve judged. I’ve mourned. I’ve planned. And then re-planned. I’ve texted and called and video chatted. I’ve written letters. I’ve wasted money on Amazon just to feel like I was doing something. I’ve had to cancel errands because I forgot my mask. I’ve had to wait and see if I would be able to keep breathing after a positive test. Just like everyone else.
Over and over I’ve seen people posting about 2021 and that they can’t wait for it to get here. That 2020 is a dumpster fire that they can’t wait to leave behind.
…that’s not going to happen. And I’m scared for the people that are planning on it. When the clocks turn over from December 31 to January 1 the world isn’t going to magically be set to rights. COVID-19 is still going to be here. As is our quarantine. And our masks.
But I understand why some are putting their hopes on the turning of that dial. Waiting to put 2020 in their rearview mirror regardless that we’re still going to be on the same road. Sometimes hope is the only thing keeping you going. Counting down the days till THEN.
THEN when things will be better. When things will be normal. When masks will get put in a drawer somewhere only to be found years later and reminisced over. When I can see a friend and HUG them. When I can stand NEXT to someone.
THEN.
When we get to get our lives back. All the big things and all the small.
Seeing my in-laws and watching my kids hug their Nannie.
Sending baked goods to work with my husband because I need to make but I also need to not eat them all.
Dropping something off at a friend’s house and handing it TO them instead of setting it down so our hands don’t have to touch. And then hugging them.
Holding the babies of my friends.
Going into my children’s school and hugging their friends and former teachers.
And just planning life. Planning our family reunion. Planning a family trip. Planning a party.
THEN.
…
The song O Come, O Come, Emmanuel is not a happy one. Even if the words in it are positive. The tone is not.
The message of that song is not “Rejoice! Because your life is good! You have everything you could ever need!”
The message is life is hard; you don’t need to pretend otherwise. And you’re waiting. And waiting. And you don’t know when or even if things will get better. But rejoice because help IS coming.
And that’s why I cried when I saw the Christmas Star.
As the day had gone on I felt myself watching the clock more. Timing to sunset and then 45 minutes to an hour after that. As evening approached, I got more aware of time. (Which is very unusual for me, I’m not exactly what you would call a good time keeper.) When my children wanted to start something I said ‘no’ because I wasn’t going to miss the window. When my husband wanted to start something, he could see my tension rising and assured me we wouldn’t be late.
We weren’t.
I drove away from our house praying that we would find it. Our suburban life is great but not for viewing astrological phenomena, especially near the horizon. We headed for a park near us and as we drove in and came over the ridge of a little hill, there it was.
My boys were actually impressed. My husband pulled out his phone to confirm on a star map. And I cried.
I needed it.
I’ve been plugging along. I’ve been pushing. I’ve been working. I’ve been praying. I’ve been stumbling. I’ve been DOING this year, trying to make it not traumatic for my kids. Trying to find the joy and seek God’s peace even in isolation. Trying to stay connected and find social fulfillment through my phone and laptop.
And I’ve been waiting. For THEN.
Just like everyone else.
Just like you.
And all I could think while staring up at the sky was “I’m seen”.
I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense.
But I felt it.
My God, the Creator of the Heavens, the Architect of the Universe, and Traffic Cop to the planets put that in motion. And maybe He put it into motion before there was a human on this terra firma just for that ONE night when shepherds would need it.
Looking up at the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn gave me a glimpse into the story of Creation that is so BEYOND me. Of the writing of the world and TIME from the beginning.
And yet, I’m seen. I’m loved. And I’m listened to.
Just like you.
If you missed the Christmas Star last night, don’t worry.
Sure, I can show you a picture. But I can also tell you what it meant.
Rejoice! I see you! Your soul and heart are safe with me! And help is coming! Life is coming! THEN is coming! Trust me, its coming! Rejoice!
