The Job(s)

I have tried and tried to write this for the past three weeks and kept failing.  Miserably failing if I’m being honest.  I’d have ideas but then they’d fall flat.  I’d sit to write and be consumed by all the other things I needed to get done. 

And, unfortunately, my natural inclination isn’t to push through.  It’s to take a break because I’m feeling overwhelmed and just ‘veg out’.  Instead of being mindful of about something and following it through to completetion, I opt for mindlessness.  And that typically comes in the form of the TV.  Or sleep.  Because when I feel overwhelmed and trapped, my body wants to sleep. 

No, that isn’t the healthiest way to live.  At least I’m to the point in my life now where I can recognize that instead of just living in it.    

Last night when going to bed I was finally honest with myself.  Not just about why I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed but really why I had been unable to write.  Because I’ve been overwhelmed before and was still able to communicate my thoughts.  Jumbled as they might have been. 

But not this time.  This time I was stuck. 

And it’s because I wasn’t being honest.  I was trying to put on a face.  Or spin for a point.  Or try to tie everything up neatly with a pithy point.  Trying for a good post instead of just telling the truth.  It turns out I wasn’t really overwhelmed.  Just inauthentic.   

This week was a tough one in the Hemni House.  Nothing bad happened.  Nobody was sad.  Nobody was angry.  It was just a week with a lot of work.  (and a lot of learning) The most work that had been in it since the twins were small. 

Or let me clarify, the most work that had been done outside the home since the twins were small.

I worked every day this week somewhere other than our house. 

I’ve been working at Michaels, the craft store, and this past Wednesday was my last day.  That was the first time I’ve worked retail and I learned a lot about customer service.  And how to treat people during small interactions.  And how to choose joy even after the grouchiest woman snarls at you and literally throws things on the counter.  Also, to always say ‘yes’ when someone asks if you can ‘hold please?’ 

I also got some great ideas and learned more about the creative drive in people.  Projects I’m amazed by, projects I’ve attempted and could counsel on, and projects that I now have to try. 

And it was work.  On your feet, interacting with EVERYONE, lifting, bending, carrying, organizing, and processing.  But I enjoyed it. 

On top of Michaels, I worked three and a half days at my other new, new part time job of subbing.  I taught Kindergarten on Monday afternoon, Tuesday, and Thursday; and fourth grade today.  (And I’ll be returning to that classroom on this coming Monday)  Two different campuses, two different grades, and three different teachers.   

Again, you have to know how to not let someone else’s bad mood ruin your day.  How to choose joy and seek to be positive.  (But in this case, you get to be firm and even more firm when someone is rude to you.  However then you have to watch that you’re not only not rude back but that you don’t turn into a control-freak-know-it-all.)  And again, it’s a constant stream of people to interact with and assist and herd in a certain direction. On your feet, bending, lifting, organizing, and processing. 

While also, you know, helping to shape and keep safe those treasures while they’re in your care.

And I enjoyed it.  I really did.  But it was work. 

And I was trying to hide from how tired I was.  How DONE I was with people and talking to other living souls and be the information hub. 

I’m also still a mom.  And technically, a stay at home one. 

None of my other responsibilities changed just because I was earning money someplace else.  I got more help, sure.  And I think I kept my complaining to a minimum.  (I think.  That’s a statement I’m not going to run by my husband before posting.)  But I was still responsible for feeding other humans (and the cat), clothing them, bathing them (…we got one bath this week.  One.  Good thing it was cold outside.  No sweating.  Sigh).

And I did it for?  Five days.  FIVE. 

I wasn’t spent.  But I was close.  Very close.  I was even too tired for the cat.  The only easier pet is a fish.  

So, to you working moms out there…no, that’s not fair.  To you working parents out there, you’re incredible.  Your level of commitment and energy is astounding.  You keep so many cogs turning. 

I can understand how you want to be homebodies and do nothing else but you don’t!  You go out, you do sports, you do dinner, you do homework, you do frickin’ laundry!

Let me tell you that was the first thing to bite the dust this week.  By Thursday my boys were wearing dirty socks.  By Friday they were washed.  (The socks, not the children.)  But I told them just to find two clean ones.  I didn’t care if they were close to matching. 

And my house?  Oh, my house. 

Any creative output, let alone ability, in all of this?  Forget it.

There was no way. 

Creativity can exist with time constraints, sure.  In fact, it does some of its best work with time constraints looming down on it.  People who are in the know understand the difference between procrastination and waiting for inspiration to strike.

But impatience?  Nope.  You can’t force an idea when you’re upset that you have to give up time in your day to try and find it.  When you could spend these 30 minutes before bedtime doing ANYTHING else instead of trying to come up with something to write about. 

I am going to keep working.  Maybe not five days worth.  But some weeks, maybe so?  In fact, give it a week and I’ll add another part time job to the docket.  Christmas candy maker. 

I know we can do it now.  My family and I.  I know some things will get left behind.  In fact, I can probably predict what they’ll be.    Especially after this week’s model.

And I need to figure out how to still allow that creative well to be filled.  Because I need to write.  Even if it’s a little rough.  That’s part of the purpose of this blog.  If I want to be a writer, I need to figure out how to do it real life.  And I need to paint projects.  And I need to try new, complicated recipes.  I need it in my soul.  So I’ll figure it out. (Hopefully, in less than two weeks next time instead of three.)

This post doesn’t really have a point except to be completed.  And also to say that I have never had an accurate glimpse into the world of so many of my friends and loved ones. 

Heather, how on earth are you and Ryan so involved in so many things?  And how on earth are you still standing at the end of every day?!  It’s incredible.

Juliana and Josh, your whole job is to TALK to people all day.  You sell them things, fix things, and help them communicate with the rest of the world.  All while raising that butterball that I could just eat.  Unbelievable. 

Lindsay, I cannot fathom how tired you are.  A journalist, a one year old, a 2 am wake up call, and a smile?  You’re not human. 

I am blessed to call four (FOUR!) therapists and counselors friends.  Dear friends at that.  You help others walk through the mire of their brains and pasts and still take care of your own families so beautifully.  I’m in awe. 

Working parents, man.  All of you.  You are unbelievable.  Keep it up.  Hold your heads up high, then hold your babies tight, find your smile and keep working.  Because you are inspirational.  And astounding.    

Before I end this, there’s one other I have to mention.  My love, you have kept us afloat these past seven years.  Your hours have never been conventional.  Your places of work have not always been safe.  You’re at work now, helping spread the message of a place worth sharing. 

And then you’ve come home and you’ve kissed our kids.  You’ve read to them.  You’ve chased them.  You’ve made them laugh.  You’ve disciplined them.  You’ve wiped away tears. 

And I it took it for granted.  Demanding more time with us, not always understanding when you needed just a little for yourself.  So you could reset and keep being great. 

This week has given me a glimpse into the load you’ve been carrying for the past seven years.  And I love you so much for it.  You’re my hero.