To host or not to host...
My sister called me this week asking for ideas for a family dinner. She and her husband have been married for about a year and a half and just recently bought their first house. He got a grill for his birthday from his aunt, uncle, and parents and they wanted to have a big ‘thank you’ dinner to celebrate.
She’s 25 and loves to give to people. She takes as much in the packaging of the gift as in what’s inside it. She knows that the unwrapping is part of the experience too. Something that I can sometimes forget.
She and I haven’t always gotten along. We’re 12 years apart so we didn’t have a whole lot in common growing up. I was always ahead of her in experiences and she was always so effortlessly cool with more freedom. I think comparison plagued us for a time and probably poisoned our relationship (at least occasionally). But man, do I love her. I love who she is and who she has chosen to be.
The benefit to being that much older is that I remember her whole life. Yes, I was gone for most of it. I went to college when she was only 6. But I remember when she was born. And even then she was effortlessly cool. Dang it. :)
For the first time EVER we are in a similar time of life. We’re both married and we’re both homeowners and we both enjoy cooking for our families. The last time we had this much in common we were living under the same roof. And that was pretty much all that we had in common. Location. But now? We can ask advice and complain and just TALK about our lives. And it’s awesome.
So when she called to ask if I could help them figure out this dinner for their family, I was over the moon. If I can give back to her and look somewhat cool to my stylin’ younger sister, count me in. She also showed me something else that we have in common. We love hanging out with people and enjoy having them in our home.
It got me thinking about all that I’ve learned over the years about having people over. Some of my epic failures (like truly epic. So epic they can trigger my anxiety on bad days.). And some of my successes. The tricks you learn and the truths you pick up about hosting and entertaining and feeding people.
When I wrote out the recipes and instructions for my sister I included two Rules for her to remember. For the next couple of days I found myself wanting to add to them. So, I’m going to.
You may think it a little cocky for a 37 year old to give hosting/cooking tips and you’re not wrong. It is. A little bit. But these past couple of years I finally decided to revel and glory in this stuff instead of hiding from the thought that I might be somewhat okay at it. That’s dumb, doesn’t serve the Lord, and doesn’t help my children see the example I’m hoping to set for them. I’m good at this. And I love it. And I’m still learning.
The Hemni House Rules for Hospitality and Hosting
1. DON’T talk about how un-perfect it is!!! If a mistake is made, you get to laugh and talk it about it ONCE. Or complain and moan, ONCE. NOT REPEATEDLY. Even if the food is good, if you keep insisting it isn’t good you can change a person’s a mind and ruin the evening. Admit to yourself when something is a success and be joyful.
Okay, so at this point, those of you that know me are thinking “hypocrite”. I know, I know. Remember what I said about still learning? I broke this rule, hard, just last Friday. I wasn’t pleased with something I had made for a shower and made sure that everyone knew it. Not okay. Always remember rule number 1.
2. TRUST your guests. They are delighted just to see you. Anything else is a cherry on top. Trust that.
Yeah, this gets hard if it’s new people you are having over but you’ve still got to trust them. If they let you down, that’s on them. Not you. Trust that your friends love you and love hanging out with you and are just excited about an excuse to all be together.
3. Delegate. If people offer to bring something, let them. Hosting is expensive, especially parties. Share that expense. And share the work. Whether in their house or all in yours.
I think people know by now that when they show up to one of my gatherings, there’s a good chance I’ll put them to work. Whether that is moving furniture around or chopping something or pouring chips in a bowl. And that is okay. Also, the easiest thing to ask people to bring is drinks, alcoholic or otherwise. This is actually perfect if they keep insisting even when you tell them ‘nothing’.
4. If you want to prepare the whole dinner without letting anyone else bring anything, do it. Sometimes it is so nice to be told to just show up for a good time. Plus, sometimes it’s fun to get to handle everything about a gathering.
I love doing this. I love having dinner parties where I do all the cooking. I really do. And the funny thing is, I used to feel guilty about it. As if I was doing something wrong by wanting to do it all myself. Yes, sometimes that gets me in trouble. But sometimes, it is exactly what I need. To work and prepare and create a whole experience for people by myself. (Or with just my husband’s help.) I don’t do this with big parties, that’s just madness. But for dinner parties? Done and done.
Extra add on for rules 3 and 4:
You are allowed to be very specific about what people bring. I have asked for a certain type of wine because it will match the food I’m cooking. I have asked for specific kinds of paper plates or cups because they go with the theme. I have even asked for money. I have found a wonderful group of women I love to hang out with and cook for. And because our dinners have started happening more than twice a year, we worked out that I do all the cooking and they kick in money for the ingredients. It’s okay to be specific.
5. “We should get together sometime!” If you really want to have someone over, DO IT. If it’s last minute or even two months in advance, just make the plans. Take the plunge.
This is where some people get in trouble I think. Entertaining doesn’t have to be fancy. And it doesn’t have to involve a ton of preparation. We had friends that we missed so we called them up last minute for burgers that night. We already had all the stuff, we just wanted some of our people too. Those impromptu meals can be so important. They brought ice cream cones for the kids and then we played Spades till midnight. I picked up the living room and the downstairs bathroom and that was IT.
6. Consider smells.
How awesome is it when you walk into a house that smells like what you are about to eat? It makes you a little excited about the meal, right? So don’t ruin that by muddling that scent with Clean Cotton. There is a time and a place for heavenly candles. Trust me. Your friends with heightened olfactory abilities will thank you too. If all the cooking is happening outside, then burn baby burn. Or if everything is already set up like for a shower, bring on the Spiced Cinnamon Apple Leaves.
7. Always have an empty dishwasher.
Not a clean dishwasher that you have to then empty after the party so you can clean up. ALREADY empty. Empty and waiting to make your life easier.
8. Don’t be frantic. You can be busy but not frantic. That makes people think that the evening is a burden. That their presence is a burden.
You can be running around trying to get everything done but you cannot be frantic. Laugh and smile and give people jobs and talk about what you’re doing if someone asks but don’t be frantic. It’s off putting.
9. You know that rule about never cooking new recipes for company? I think that is totally dependent on you and the guests. I do this frequently, most always with people I trust that won’t think less of me if it doesn’t work.
Because sometimes it doesn’t. That’s what delivery is for.
10. Always have a backup activity. Sometimes the whole purpose of the night is an activity which makes things easier. And sometimes you won’t ever get to it. But sometimes things can fall through or you’ll hit a bump or there will be silence for just a little too long. That’s when you offer the activity. Sometimes just bringing it up can reignite the conversation.
Last Halloween I wanted to have a party. A Pintrest level party with themed food and decorations and costumes and lots of people. And GAMES. We’ve all gone to a party that reaches a certain point when you’re looking around for something to do. I did not want this party to become that. So I planned three games that we played throughout the evening. I even had prizes. It was great! I announced that we were going to play a game and asked who wanted to participate. Not everybody did but that worked out too because then the players had cheering sections. And the games were silly and childish and had people cracking up. Always have an activity, even if you never get to it.
11. Pray.
Seriously. Pray over all of it. I pray over food I’m cooking. I pray over guests. I pray over my house. I pray about the weather. I pray about how people feel when they leave. I pray over my attitude and demeanor. Pray.
12. Whatever you do, do it with joy.
Paul specifically mentions hospitality when listing some of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. It is not a small thing to have people in your home. To feed them. To entertain them. To give them an escape. To give them moments of peace and joy in a busy, frantic, and demanding world. It is a privilege to provide this. Don’t treat it like a burden. I will sometimes fall into that trap and my husband will remind me that we can cancel and that we SHOULD cancel if it’s making me this upset. That’s always a wake-up call. My thinking is off. My priorities shifted. It’s not a burden to love people, I WANT TO. Go back to rule 11 and PRAY. Ask for the Father’s help and then claim His joy that is your shield.
Even if the whole evening goes south, you have to have joy. You have to be able to be honest about the disappointment and then move past it. And help others move past it too. Everything burned? You got rained out? You ran out of time? Order the pizza. Set up the Nintendo and games. Make a decorating table where people can ice their own cookies. And enjoy.
*And Becky? The dinner party is going to be great! I love you! (You too, Sam.)
