The First Lie

Often when I am with a group of Christians, especially Christian women, I feel like I don’t fit.  I could say that I feel too loud or too boisterous or too awkward but really, I just feel “too” about everything.  I describe it as feeling like Animal from The Muppets.  I’m trying so hard to play along with the tune that everyone else wants even though it’s killing me and eventually, I will have to RELEASE and just be too “too” for all the world to see. 

I have felt like this for as long as I can remember.  My passions and excitement were bigger than my age.  And I wanted to share them with you.  Because whatever I had just learned about or read about or seen was really cool and your life is less because you don’t know it too!  I wanted to talk about it.  To talk about everything.  

Growing up, all my report cards would say the same thing. 

That I was a great student, I just talked too much.  Or was too loud.  Every single one.  I would also be told constantly to use my inside voice or to not yell.  When I was using my inside voice and I was not yelling.  (That was, and still is, my natural volume.)  So, the ‘shushing’ started.  Even if I was in a place where I was allowed to talk, I would be shushed because I was just too loud.  A classroom, church, friends’ houses, everywhere.  And it wasn’t just adults.  My peers did it too.  So did my friends.  My natural volume was off putting to people.

Yes, there is something to be said with children learning to control the level of their volume.  But it led to me having to learn to control the level of my excitement.  People didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to know what I found interesting.  Didn’t want to know the world as I saw it.  I was too much.  Everything about me needed to be dampened.  To be quieted.  To be shushed.   

All that shushing took a toll. 

And I internalized it.  All of it.  I got the message loud and clear that people didn’t want me to talk.  They didn’t want to hear what I wanted to say.  They didn’t want to have to spend any more time listening to me then they absolutely HAD to. 

Because it wasn’t just my vocal volume that was too loud.  The volume of my personality, that came out the moment I opened my mouth, was too loud too.  And offensive and too…passionate.  Or excited.  Or inquisitive.

So, I started apologizing for speaking.  Not for speaking out of turn.  Just for speaking anything.  I would start or end almost everything with “I’m sorry”. 

I had people tell me to quit apologizing so much, but I couldn’t stop.  No one wanted to hear my voice or my thoughts, remember?  No one wanted to be exposed to my intensity.  And now, this was just another thing that people didn’t want to hear from me.  They didn’t even want to hear me apologize for having to hear me.  And boy, oh boy, did the enemy get to work.

I don’t think anyone could see what was really going on. 

I was believing the lie that still haunts me to this day.  My presence was fine but that was all.  Nobody wanted to know my thoughts, my joys, my fears.  They literally didn’t want to hear me.  I was just too “TOO”.  If I couldn’t fit, then I should just be silent. 

And then, that morphed into not believing that anybody wanted me.  The actual me.  How could they?

If I opened up to someone about it, I’d end up feeling guilty because “that was just ridiculous” or I was “being dramatic”.  If I managed to start to feel better about it, someone else would come along and re-confirm it.

“Katie, you talk too much.”

“You like that?  Well that’s…interesting…”

“Calm down, you are such a drama queen.” 

“Katie, you are so loud!  Lower your voice!”

“Stop yelling.”  (When I WASN’T)

Or the worst one - Just, “shhhhh” with closed eyes and a pained expression on their faces.  This one happened a lot.  It still sometimes does. But thankfully not as often.   

My voice was an annoyance.  My words were an annoyance.  I was an annoyance.   

And if everyone else felt this way, why would God be any different?

Why would He want to hear from me?  Why would He ever use me to help anyone?

A monstrous lie.  A lie that blinded me to truth.  The truth about how God feels about me.  The truth about who I am in Him.  And who I am to Him. 

I didn’t believe His love for me. 

Yes, sure, He loved me but He loved everyone.  Jesus died for me but he did that for all mankind.  I wasn’t the reason, just an addition.  Not part of the ‘In Crowd’, just lucky to be in the class. 

It took a long time for to be able to recognize this as a lie. And I still sometimes mistake it for truth.  I wish I could pinpoint exactly when the change happened but I can’t.  I know I read C.S. Lewis and that sparked something in me. 

I know that I began to nurture that flame and fight to protect it.  Sometimes a little too strongly.  After a friend ‘shh’ed me for being a little too boisterous, I puffed up and yelled, “Do NOT ‘shhh’ me!” 

…maybe a little too strong of a response.  But my flame didn’t go out.  I kept choosing to trust God a little more.  That He actually wanted me.  That I wasn’t made wrong.  That I wasn’t an annoyance.  I wasn’t too much.   

 I’m better.  MUCH better. 

I have an understanding of my worth.  And I fight now to hang on to the value I know I have.  That lingering fear that nobody wants me, that I’m just too “too”, still pops up.  I’ll keep fighting it.  Fighting to trust that those that I love really love me too.  That they like me and like being around me.

And that even if I can be too much for them?  I’ll check my volume and read the room and then remember that anything past that is on THEM.  Not on me.  That I wasn’t made to fit their mold. 

I fight to not be shushed.  My voice is a gift.  The Lord gave it to me.  I will not be silent when I am told to speak.  I am not to be silent because of my age.  Or because I’m not as educated about the Bible as I should be.  Or because I’m a woman.  Or because I’m a wife and a mom.

So much of what is put on women is to be still and silent and calm, waiting for someone else to act, for someone else to stand for the Lord.  I finally KNOW that I was made in the image of the Most High.  Deliberately.  I have gifts that reflect my Creator.  My enthusiasm is a testament to the Lord’s.  My joy is a tiny glimpse at His.  And my volume was given so that I could be HEARD.

But most importantly, I fight to hang on to the trust that I am NOT an addition.  I am NOT an add-on.  Jesus died for ME.  He loves ME.  The Lord sees ME.  I am not an extra who is lucky to get screen time.  My God loves me.  And has a purpose for ME.  And nothing can change that.  Not the world.  Not the devil.  Not family.  Not a single mean girl or bullying boy. 

Tonight I spoke to a friend that is incredible.  She is smart and capable and talented.  She is working and seeking and is gorgeous to listen to.  Her heart is wise and strong far beyond her years. 

And she fears she isn’t enough.  That nobody will want her.  That nobody will take the time to see her.  That the Lord will feel the same way.  It’s a lie. 

Not about the world.  There is a very real chance that she is surrounded by people that will wound her.  I have been.  And it sucks.  And it hurts.  And can feed that fear.  But it’s still a lie.

The world doesn’t get to determine your worth.  The lies the devil feeds your mind don’t get to determine your worth. Fellow believers don’t get to determine your worth. Nothing on this earth determines your worth. You don’t even get to determine your worth. 

Your worth was decided the MOMENT you entered existence.  In that SECOND you were known by God and greatly loved.  Everything you were, everything you could become was known and you were loved.  Your gifts have value.  The things in your personality and body that you aren’t even aware yet are gifts have value.  Your talents are NOT worthless or useless.  And you DO have talents.

“I know.  I know.  I have gifts.  God loves me.”

No, obviously you don’t know.  Or you wouldn’t dismiss it that easily.  It is too terrifying a notion that you might reach out for that love only to be hushed.  To have the Lord Almighty, the Creator, look on you as an annoyance. 

GOD LOVES YOU.  That’s it.  You are NOT an annoyance.  You are NOT a burden.  You are NOT an “add-on”. 

YOU are loved because you are HIS. 

That’s it. 

Call the lies out for what they are.  And then, and here’s the hard part, trust God.  You’ve got to make the decision to trust his love. 

Did you hear that?  You’ve got to choose to TRUST His love.  Repeat every hour.  “I believe and trust that God sees me.  That He loves me.  That I have value to Him.  And that He delights in me.” 

Why is this so important? 

Because until you accept who you are to Christ, you’ll never fully understand who someone else is to Him. Any encouragements you give will have a tinge of falsehood to it. Any testimonies you give on the love of the Lord will be slightly hypocritical. Because you’ll believe that you are the exception to God’s rule.

And that person you’re trying to help? To encourage? If you’re the exception to God’s love, then they might be too.

Not to mention, you’ll never be able to fully use the talents and gifts that have been placed in you.  To be operating at full capacity so to speak. And of course, at full volume.