Valentine's Day

When you’re young, you think you know what love is.  That you understand it.  That you’ll recognize it when you see it.  And that you know how you’ll respond to it.  You know the kind of love you want to have and it will be, of course, epic. 

I’ve been with the same man for almost 18 years.  We dated for two, were engaged for not quite six months, and married for (so far) 15.  To some of you, that seems like a really long time.  A really, really long time.  And for others, it’s a drop in the bucket, something to reminisce about.  “Remember when we were so young!”

 Taylor is the fourth man I ever went on a date with.  He’s only the second boyfriend I ever had and only the second man I ever kissed romantically.  Compared to a lot of people, that is very, very few.  I’ve even thought that because of my ‘lack of experience’, I didn’t really have advice when it came to love. 

And then for awhile, I thought that because I married my second boyfriend and have been married to him for longer than 10 years, that THAT made me qualified to have advice when it came to love.

But here’s the truth. 

I’m still learning what love is.  What it looks like.  What I understand about it.  And how I respond to it.  Contrary to what you think when you’re a kid, love isn’t a “made it!” moment.  You don’t fall in love and then live in that state for the rest of your life.  It’s not a “well, this is how I feel now forever”. 

Sindhu Vee is a comedian that I think is hysterical.  She has a bit where she talks about that she and her husband have stayed married for so long because they climbed out of the pit they fell in when they ‘fell in love’.  That when you fall, you don’t stay down in the pit.  You have to climb out of it. 

Now, she’s being funny so there’s some sardonic joking about not being in love anymore and no, I’m not saying that’s what you need to strive for.  But there is definitely some truth to her statement too.  When you hear people say that marriage is hard, this is often the part they’re talking about. 

It is full of contradictions and changes and specifics and randomness.  But no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, it is bigger and deeper and more powerful than I even understand after 15 years of committing to it.

Because love, real love, true love, lifetime love, isn’t a place you stay ‘fallen’ in.  It’s a choice.  It’s a lot of experiences.  A lot of actions.  A lot of words.  A lot of ‘well, what do we do now?’ A lot of change.  And a lot of the same.  Love is so much bigger than Valentine’s Day.  Bigger even than your anniversary.  And yet can be as small as a cup of water. 

Sometimes love is watching him play video games without commentary. 

Sometimes love is watching Sleeping Beauty or The Wizard of Oz because it’s comforting.  To her, not to you. 

Sometimes love is grand gestures.

Sometimes love is binging on the couch.

Sometimes love is calling his mom for a recipe because it makes him happy. 

Sometimes love is trying a new restaurant even though it makes you very unhappy to do so. 

Sometimes love is walking in the rain, even though you think it’s stupid. 

Sometimes love is riding in a golf cart and NOT talking.

Sometimes love is listening to or watching something they love…and you don’t.

Sometimes love is learning to like something they love. 

Sometimes love is fiery and weak knees and arms and hands and sweat.

Sometimes love is just laying next to each other, glad you’re not touching because you’re so comfortable. 

Sometimes love is being able to admit you don’t like to be touched while sleeping and being so surprised when you nap in each other’s arms and wake up STILL comfortable.

Sometimes love is “you are really annoying me right now which I know is unfair and I’m sorry”.

Sometimes love is cuddling even though you want some alone time. 

Sometimes love is giving them alone time even though you want to cuddle. 

Sometimes love is telling the other person they are being unreasonable.

Sometimes love is being unreasonable.

Sometimes love is walking out of the room before you pick a fight. 

Sometimes love is picking a fight because you’re not giving up. 

Sometimes love is butterflies in the stomach.

Sometimes love is being selfless. 

And sometimes love is being selfish. 

These are all ‘sometimes’.  They can be love or they can be the exact opposite, depending on the situation. 

But there are some things that ARE love no matter what.  No matter the ‘experience level’ or the age or even the mood.  Because they prove that you already chose.  And that choice isn’t changing.  It’s saying “I know you and I want to know more”.  It’s choosing the unknown but holding hands during it.  It’s big moments and the every day ones.     

Love is ordering their drink before they get there, knowing that Diet Dr. Pepper is the choice instead of Diet Pepsi and that lemon isn’t wanted with the water.

Love is cold wash cloths for headaches and Tylenol brought in the night.

Love is ice scrapers set by the door because you just know they’ll forget it. 

Love is turning on the fire. 

Love is saying ‘I love you’ as you get off the phone even when you both could spit nails. 

Love is keeping two apples or two oranges in the fridge because you know they like them cold. 

Love is knowing their triggers and immediately holding them.  Or moving the ‘thing’.  Or rearranging the day without being asked.

Love is being the punching bag during the tension of family even though you know you shouldn’t have to be but doing it anyway because you’re safe.   

Love is emergency room trips and hand holding.

Love is sitting in front of doctors and pulling over to talk.   

Love is crying tears of joy together because it was nothing.

Love is crying tears of pain because it was something.

Love is washing their hair after surgery even though you are getting soaked because they just aren’t strong enough to do it yet and because they have to hold the drains coming out of their body. 

Love is lifting your partner and setting her back down every minute because she CANNOT be sitting during a contraction.

Love is praying over them and for them, even when they don’t know it.

Love is picking up the item or texting the meme you KNOW they’ll love. 

Love is letting them sleep, you’ll get the baby.

Love is waking them up with the baby because you’re thoughts are starting to get murderous and that’s not good for anybody.

Love is letting them leave for alone time because their spirit needs it. 

Love is the surprise moments, stolen in the laundry room or the bathroom or the closet because they made you catch your breath. 

Love is rubbing their feet and holding the bucket as they puke, passionate about protecting them and helping them heal. 

Love is putting the lid back on the butter.

Love is putting the bowl in the sink and rinsing it out.

Love is trying.  Trying to be better for them.   Even if it’s not in your nature, at all (like AT ALL) but you love them so you try.

Love is loving them more than yourself. 

Love is knowing when to take care of yourself so you can be a better partner to them. 

And so much more. 

My husband and I have never been Valentine’s Day people.  When we were dating I think we did it up because you actually have a Valentine and that’s awesome.  But after a couple of years, it just turned into an excuse for a nice restaurant. 

A few years ago, we decided to just cook a nice dinner at home and do Valentine’s with all five of us.  No sitters, all the love. 

I made Cioppino, justifying it because the ingredients for it were actually less expensive than a really nice dinner and a babysitter.  It was great.

The next year we did it again.

And the next year, our boys asked for it.  And started talking about how much they loved Cioppino. 

This year it started even sooner.  Our oldest made it very clear that Cioppino was his favorite food and that he couldn’t wait for Valentine’s Day.  The twins agreed.  (One more strongly than the other.)

So I made it again.  Still an expensive dinner to make.  Still cheaper than a nice dinner and a babysitter.  It’s closing in fast when that won’t be the case.  Especially now that two out of three have figured out how to crack their own crab.

It didn’t disappoint.  The superlatives flowed free and often.  Three of us said at least once, “I’m just so happy right now.”  We ate till we were content.  And then we had dessert and watched a movie.  It was fantastic.

Sometimes love is time away from the kids.

And sometimes love is making room for them in the traditions. 

Because I know, I know, they’ll remember this.  That we’ll be doing it for years to come.  And if it ever does stop, when they’re grown they’ll say, “Hey, remember when we had Cioppino on Valentine’s Day?  Do you still have that recipe?”

This is our Valentine’s Tradition now.  And I love it. 

Sometimes love is as common as dinner and a movie. 

And sometimes love is as uncommon as a six year old gleefully cracking crab, his twin slathering bread with butter then dunking it in tomato broth, and an eight year old sucking the shrimp juice from his fingers asking for more while Mediterranean music serenades. 

 So here’s my advice to the young or to the just starting out, don’t assume you will always know what love will look like. Or how you will respond. Or even that you understand it. Sometimes it will be very, very clear. And sometimes it won’t.

Listen to the stories of those that are further down the road than you. It may help you avoid a pot hole or survive a sink hole. And choose every day. EVERY day. Because choosing love is so much stronger than ‘falling’.

Happy Day to my Valentine. You’re so much better at sentimentality and cards and gifts than am I. I choose you, everyday. And I know you choose me.

And happy Day to my other three Valentines. I promise to make Cioppino for as many February 14ths as we want.

I love you four more than my own life.